Present.

Gelak ah.

2012-02-01T07:32:00.001+08:00

HAHAHAHA!

Burlesque

2012-01-29T16:39:00.007+08:00

Here are some self-portrait pictures of the make-up that Aunty Ain did on me for Vike's 21st birthday party yesterday! :)

Oh ya, it's been almost 2 months since I last saw my bitch, Si Ying and yesterday, she said I've lost my weight! YAHOO! So all those weeks of diet and night jogging was really worth it, wasn't it? Credits, of course, go to the one and only person who's been pushing and never giving up on me all these while even though I keep over-eating now and then. But still, your efforts have been recognized right, Hasiff? Okay dah, enough appraisal for Hasiff. Jangan nak kembang. SHOO! :P

The Lion King.

2012-01-27T07:22:00.001+08:00

This picture feels like a scene out of Lion King where Fahry is little Simba which then makes me Rafiki, the old baboon. HAHA!

Another reason to live.

2012-01-24T23:00:00.001+08:00

Babies make me go soft, especially when it comes to Baby Fahry. :)

You sexy thang.

2012-01-24T00:24:00.005+08:00

I can't help it. Bad boys are far more interesting.

Sheldon Cooper

2012-01-23T18:13:00.001+08:00

And Hasiff still doesn't get it. Grr.

Long Holidays.

2012-01-21T18:49:00.003+08:00

So here I am, at home and just lazing my ass around the house coz I've been working for five days straight and I'm just so exhausted.... NOT. Haha. Maybe just giving myself some home time with the family would be good coz it's been so long since I last spent one whole day with my family especially with my little sister.

So I have like 4 days of rest since Chinese New Year falls on Monday and Tuesday. One day is almost up and I've spent the whole day on my bed and looking at cosmetics online coz I've yet to decide on the cosmetics to buy for myself. However, I've been looking at Revlon products which have been getting good reviews especially for their ColorStay foundation. Cousin said it's good so probably I'll get that. Sheesh, I'm so excited!! HAHA.

You know, it's tough being a girl. I can't make up my mind yet on what I should treat myself with this month's pay.

LALALALALALA.

Oh and I've lost like 2kg ever since I went on a diet. HAHA. Weeeee~

Last Weekend

2012-01-14T17:15:00.001+08:00

Got this pic from last weekend, thanks to Nas. Supposedly a girls' night out at Sentosa's Wavehouse where there were free drinks, a flea market and free flow rides for gals! Hafiz and Hasiff tagged along too. We rode on the flow rider and yes, I sucked at surfing till that one time, I actually fell and somersaulted 360 degrees before coming to a stop amidst all of those waves. Embarrassing, yes but at least I tried to surf! :D

My Immortal.

2012-01-06T07:30:00.001+08:00

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

It still pains me up till today. You'll never know how deep this wound is since it never really healed in the first place even after more than a year.

Baby Baby.

2012-01-05T22:01:00.001+08:00

Baby Fahry!! :D Kakak misses you so much!!

J.Leto

2012-01-03T07:10:00.001+08:00

"The promises we made were not enough. The prayers that we have prayed were like a drug. The secrets that we sold were never known. The love we had, the love we had, we had to let it go."
- Hurricane

I used to have red highlights underneath my black hair back when I was 16 going on 17. It was how your hair was done back in those days. I did all that coz I was in love with you baby and I still am. You also have a nice pair of eyes, just like mine. So yeah, all the more we are a match made in heaven right? You know, although you're already 40 and I'm just 19, I'm cool with it. We still can get together someday when you've retired from all that singing and screaming. Hehehe.

(Layankan je. Aku tengah best-best ni dengar lagu 30STM on the way to work!)

Saranghaeyo Jared! <3

Hello 2012!

2012-01-01T01:22:00.001+08:00

Happy New Year! Here's to a better year ahead for everyone out there! I've got many things being planned out for me to achieve throughout this new year and yah, I've never been this eager to accomplish my long list of resolutions for 2012! Enjoy yourselves out there and may God bless you guys! :)

Oh yeah, here's a picture of Fahry to end this post with. He's too cute to not show the people out there about how cute he can be! :D

Ashley Amily.

2011-12-30T06:57:00.002+08:00

I swear man, this baby girl has a secret vendetta towards anyone who's carrying her seh. People may even mistake her for Dwayne The Rock Johnson's distant child or something. Just look at her face! Don't you think so? Haha!

So here's the little chubby caterpillar with her own brother. Ewek!

And lastly, me and the naughtiest but cutest boy ever among my nieces and nephews! :D

And he's pretty mature for a 3 year old. Ever since he saw my injured hand on the day of the bike accident, he'll always come up to me, takes my right hand and say, "Kakak, tangan masih sakit tak?" Look how sweet and caring of him to even remember that I got injured even when the accident's like almost two weeks ago. And of course, without fail, he'll look around for my iPhone and will sheepishly smile and say, "Kakak, nak main game? Please...." And my usual reply? "Eh ape kau ingat muke aku chap game ke?!" Haha. Nevertheless, kids being kids, they are totally adorable in many ways. :)

Well, my day yesterday could have been better if the baby cousin that I totally adore was present. Baby Fahry, come lah to my house, like all the other babies! Kakak miss you so much lah.

Love

2011-12-28T22:29:00.001+08:00

Puppy love is nothing when you compare it to the love you had for someone that you once thought was true.

Knowing that you gave your all to that chosen one but only to end up being left with nothing but memories of the past which you deeply hope you could relive them again just to be sure that you almost had it all once upon a time.

It still hurts, you know. Even after a year has passed.

2011

2011-12-27T00:20:00.001+08:00

So 2011 has been a rough year for me. Lots of ups and downs every now and then. I've done bad things which I'm not exactly proud of and of course, at times I'll wonder what has gotten into my head during those moments. But one thing for sure, being a bad ass (well, it really felt good to be bad for once) ain't gonna last forever coz naturally, I'm never the one who goes beyond moral boundaries that I've set ever since I could think for myself.

Throughout this year, I've smoked, drank and many more which I'll never put myself to go through again coz all of these aren't really me. Perhaps I did them out of rebellion or possibly for someone who might notice who I'm changing into and probably save me.

Well, now that the year's closing to an end and things haven't been good for the past one week due to my recent bike accident, I pretty much feel that the whole week has been an eye-opener for me to the extent that I'm starting to have obligations to ignore any new existence of men in my life coz they are nothing but an obstacle to what I'm really capable of.

My future ain't that bright now coz it seems so bleak. Although I've already plans on what I wanna do in the future, I'm still skeptical towards my capability to actually survive in the real world out there. At times when I feel terrible about myself, I would be more than happy if I could find a big and deep hole to hide myself in and never ever have to come out to face reality. Yes, I'm that timid and behaving like a kid when it comes to being in the real world out there. I'd never wanted to grow up at all after going through all these. They are just too much.

So my plans for 2012? Well, that has to wait until the eve of new year where I'll put my resolutions down here for everyone to see. 2012 is gonna be a better year for me and I swear I'm gonna make it mine this time. :)

Season 4 Episode 2

2011-12-26T16:30:00.001+08:00

Chuck: Your world will be much easier if I didn't come back.

Blair: That's true...but it wouldn't be my world without you in it.

Love.

2011-12-25T01:58:00.001+08:00

Read what's in the picture below first before reading this post.

And nahhh I don't believe in all that love crap anymore. Now, for sure, it'll take a long time before I'll fall in love with somebody new. Let love find you rather than you finding it. No stealing of somebody else's love either. I'm just gonna sit on my rocking chair from now onwards and do some things that are worthwhile before I get involved with any more new bastards that aren't either liars or retards. :)

Season 3 Episode 19

2011-12-21T22:44:00.001+08:00

"There's no use denying the past. Chuck is a part of me. He'll always be. It just hurts so much." - Blair

Shit happens.

2011-12-18T22:25:00.001+08:00

My body's still recuperating after the accident on his bike this afternoon. My injuries weren't really that bad like the deep cuts on my right hand. His bike was broken apart into many pieces despite of the accident being a minor one. Although it scares the shit out of me, this ain't gonna stop me from going back to taking my bike license. Then again, I'm glad I'm still alive. And I'm still contemplating whether I should report to work tomorrow coz the pain is almost unbearable. We shall see tomorrow. Goodnight.

Just Go.

2011-12-15T18:47:00.001+08:00

Speaking the truth may be harsh at times but it's better than me having to cover them up with pretty lies which I've done all these while. Honestly, I can't keep doing this and be by your side out of sympathy.

I'll be fine on my own and I don't see any difficulties being that way. In fact, I'll be happier coz I won't have any emotional baggage left to carry around anymore. And no, I'm not leaving you for someone else. I've vowed not to turn out the same as my ex to leave someone for another and I will never be. Rather, I'm leaving you coz I don't want you anymore.

But the question is, why are you still willing to stay after I cheated on you a countless of times? Why are you willing to stay despite of me picking on you at whatever weaknesses that you have? Why can't you even see that I don't want you and I don't need you anymore?

As heartless as I am right now, I couldn't care less. This heart of mine which used to be loyal and lovable when it comes to being in a relationship has turned cold. I choose not to see the sadness in your eyes, in your voice and even in your tears. They don't mean anything coz you don't mean anything to me anymore.

Sorry to say this but you're just another mistake in my life.

It has been my choice to stay unfaithful to anyone all these while and it has never seemed to be wrong. Why? I still don't find any men to be worth faithful to anymore so why should I now? ;)

As it seems..

2011-12-12T04:31:00.001+08:00

I've been staying up all night, watching Gossip Girl online and got intrigued by how affectionate Chuck and Blair are in a weird way in season 3. Even when the both of them are way too used to playing games with each other and not wanting to lose to the other, they'll magically find themselves back in each other's arms at the end of the day.

Well, my point is that I'm starting to feel that my relationship with this current boyfriend is somewhat similar to what Chuck and Blair have as a couple. We bicker at each other, just like them but a lot more. We always get on each other's nerves, just like them but it's mostly him getting on my nerves though. But whatever it is, at the end of the day, we'll just end up still loving each other and again, just like them. :)

Anyway, it's just one more day till we turn 6 months together. Sadly, I can't see any possibility of us celebrating it since I'll be busy with work on weekdays while he'll be busy both on weekdays and weekends with his new and awesomely high-paid job. :( But as he always say, "I have to find money to support the both of us coz you wouldn't want to go on a date with me with just 10 bucks right?", I really must agree with him on that.

PS: Yesterday night, I dreamt that I had to weirdly choose between Nate and my ex at a party. Oh well, of course you guys can easily guess, Nate is way better-looking and yeah, I left the party with him! Haha. That's one of the implications of watching too much of GG ever since I was done with my As. However, the dream could have been better if I had to choose between Chuck and my ex. Ahhhhh. Chuck Bass is extremely loved by ME! <3

Season 2 Episode 19

2011-12-11T01:55:00.001+08:00

"We used to talk about our future. How perfect everything would be.. Remember? What happened? When did everything get so screwed up? This isn't how it's supposed to be. I don't know who I am anymore or what I'm supposed to do. I feel so lost."
- Blair to Nate

GG Season 2 Ep 3

2011-12-07T01:52:00.001+08:00

I like how Dan and Serena are all over each other. They pretty much look like they're so CRAZY over each other and somehow, it just warms my heart. :)

Imma SQUEEZE you!

2011-12-06T02:41:00.001+08:00

If only my son turns out like him in the future, I swear that everyone will get all swooned by his features. I can't wait to see this boy soon which I obviously can anytime since I haven't gotten a proper job yet. Maybe I'll drop him a visit tomorrow or something when I'm out with Love for our job interviews at town. Hehs.

Say hello to my cute lil baby cousin, Fahry Asyraf! :) Kakak Hareen gigit pipi kau baru tau!

It's TIME.

2011-12-01T12:47:00.002+08:00

Goodbye MR A and say Hello to MISS H!

In other words, Byeeeeeee A LEVELS and Hellooooo HOLIDAYS!

You thought I was referring to something else, didn't you? Hehs.

Babies.

2011-11-29T23:11:00.001+08:00

I swear man, when I get my own bunch of mini mes, I'm gonna bite their cheeks or at least pinch their chubby cheeks until they go RED! Too bad I can't do that with Baby Fahry who came over with his daddy and mummy awhile ago. Seriously, why are babies so CUTE?!?

Oh yeah, here are some of the polaroids that we took with the handsome little twerp tonight! :D

Imagine.

2011-11-25T21:44:00.001+08:00

Imagine someone you love leaves you for another. It hurts right?

Well, imagine someone you love leaves you for another who is of the SAME sex. WHAT THE FUCK RIGHT?!

Haha! Well, anything that's being said in the paragraph above has nothing to do with my life actually. Just thought of penning these thoughts down after watching Gossip Girls Season 1 Episode 11 online where Blair's dad came home from Christmas with his boyfriend. Yep, he left his mum for a man. HAHAHAHAHA! Okay episode 12 up next!

XOXO, Gossip Girl :P

PS: I love you, Chuck. You sexy beast.

One last chance.

2011-11-21T00:06:00.001+08:00

I don't think I can do this anymore. I can't keep holding on to what we have now when I can't really see a future with you by my side. I know I deserve better. Better than what you can give me. I need more than this. I need to be able to find you for comfort whenever I need to. I need to be able to rant to you about problems that I have in school as and when I need you to listen. I need you to make me smile without having to do anything to make me feel that way. I need you to get my heart racing every time we see each other. Sadly, I ain't feeling any of that when I'm with you right now.

Earlier today, I asked you for a time-out for you to date other girls and realize that you deserve much more than this. Well, I lied. I just needed a reason for you to go away. You can see now that I finally get to see my life without you just by offering you a chance or a leeway to get to know others as if it's nothing much to get uptight about. Honestly, I don't give a fuck anymore if you've decided to be unfaithful once again. I wouldn't know if you've already changed for the better coz if you really did right now, you're just too late to make that change. Everyone has their limits and I had mine, ever since you came back into my life.

However, you were against that idea and went mad at me for being a pessimist towards what we had all these while. I asked what you think the solution is to this and you said to give you time, at least 2 months. But, 2 months is just too long. Too long for me to assess whether you're the one for me and whether I wanna be with you throughout my entire life.

You've got until 31 December 2011 to make me stay. If I still feel as shitty as I am right now, then walking out on you for the last time seems appropriate enough.

I know I'm just asking too much from you but sometimes, what you think that's just right may not be enough to anyone else. For me, that is.

3 Years Ago.

2011-11-18T10:35:00.001+08:00

Once upon a time, back in 2008, I saw you and you saw me. We fell in love like how things should be. We were always looking forward to the 23rd where we'll grow a month old together and loving each other till death do us part. But that was before a year ago when things took the wrong turn. I had my flaws, you didn't want to stay to see what could have changed if you just held on. Things got worse so things ended. You had someone new while I tried desperately to fill up the space which you once stood in right from the start I was alone. I got into bad habits and did bad things without even feeling any guilt at all. I did all that trying to forget who you once were when you were with me. Halfway through this year, I finally got someone new but things didn't work out coz he wasn't even you to start with and trust was an issue coz after you left, you taught me that trust isn't worth trusting to begin with. So right now even when things ended a year ago, I just want you to know that I've never stopped loving you up till today. And I miss you even when you're not mine anymore. But frankly, I do feel hurt but not as much as it once did after you left. I must be foolish to feel all these while you're down there with her, having the time of your life but like what is always being said, "You'll never know what you've always had until they left" and I greatly am feeling that right now.

Contemplation.

2011-11-12T21:15:00.006+08:00

I got flowers from him today. Is he finally learning what he should do to keep me by his side? Or is this just something to lure me back into his lies again? I wouldn't know. Maybe time will tell.

I'm looking forward to our Soup Spoon date tomorrow though. I've been wanting to eat there since forever. :)

Gugu Gaga.

2011-11-11T14:02:00.001+08:00

Happy 4 months, Fahry Asyraf! It was such a pleasure to look after you for awhile yesterday while your mummy had to sit in for a job interview. Your laughters and smiles only came about when I was busy talking on the phone with anyone and too bad I couldn't manage to catch it in a video on time! Nevertheless, you're adorable in any ways possible and your Kakak Hareen did enjoy being around you coz you're such a handsome little angel. Once again, happy 4 months today and may you grow up to be an intelligent and beautiful person that your parents will always be proud of. :)

The day before Mr A comes.

2011-11-08T16:46:00.002+08:00

Even the study table ain't big enough to hold all my stuff at one time. Everything's in a mess but no one but me knows where I exactly place my stuff. May the journey throughout this A level period starting from tomorrow onwards till 1 December be a blessful one! Let's kick ASS! :)

Reminder to self: This is for myself, my family and to all those fuckers out there who tried bringing me down all these while. I've braved through harsh realities that almost broke me down inside for the past few months but no worries, I'll definitely be the one smiling coz at the end of the day, insyaallah, I'll have something to call my own and to be proud of, unlike them. :)

72 years together: The couple who died holding hands

2011-11-08T01:10:00.004+08:00

"After 72 years of marriage, Norma and Gordon Yeager died within one hour of each other — and were buried in a single coffin

Here's a love story for the ages — or the movies. Iowa couple Norma and Gordon Yeager were both in their 90s and had been married 72 years when they were hospitalized following a car accident. The nurses and doctor kept the two together in the intensive care unit, and they lay there, barely responsive but holding hands. Gordon passed away, and, exactly one hour later, Norma followed him, still holding his hand. "They just loved being together," says their son Dennis. "He always said, 'I can't go until she does because I gotta stay here for her.' And she would say the same thing." Here, a brief guide to their incredible story:

Who was this extraordinary couple?
Ninety-year-old Norma and 94-year-old Gordon Yeager met while Norma was still in high school and Gordon was working at the Chevrolet Garage in State Center, Iowa. They were married on May 26, 1939, the day Norma graduated. They had four children together, one daughter and three sons. Tragically, their two middle children were killed in car accidents. "They believed in marriage," says their son, Dennis. "They chose each other and once they had committed, that was it."

How did they die?
Last Wednesday, as the couple was driving into town, Gordon mistakenly pulled out in front of another car. The Yeagers were rushed to the hospital following the collision and given a shared room in intensive care. Though they were "not really responsive," they held hands as they lay there, side-by-side. At 3:38 p.m, Gordon passed away, but, then, his family noticed his heart monitor was still beeping. "It was really strange," Dennis says. Then a nurse looked and saw that the couple's hands were still clasped. "Her heart was beating through him and [the monitor was] picking it up," Dennis says. At 4:48 p.m., one hour after her husband, Norma passed away as well. "Neither one of them would've wanted to be without each other," says their daughter, Donna Sheets. "We were very blessed, honestly, that they went this way."

How will they be buried?
At their funeral on Tuesday, Norma and Gordon shared a casket and held hands. Once cremated, their ashes will be mixed together. They are survived by their two children, Norma's sister, Virginia Keil, Gordon's brother, Roger, 14 grandchildren, 29 great-grandchildren, and one great-great grandchild. "We don't hear love stories like Norma and Gordon's anymore," says Lindsay Mannering at The Stir. "We hear about lying, cheating, and divorce. Hopefully there are couples all over the world who share a similar story because I'd like to live in a world where this is the norm and not the exception."

Sources: Daily Mail, Huffington Post, The Stir"

___________________________________________________________________

And I still feel that true love can still be found, if not for those people who do not know the value of honesty and do not fully utilize the use of their own brains to think what's right and what's wrong.

Promise.

2011-11-06T03:42:00.001+08:00

Promising me that you'll turn yourself into a better person towards me does not mean that I'll gladly take it word for word. For once, just over a span of 4 days or so after I decided to put an end to us, I've never felt so 'light'. I didn't have to worry about what you're doing, which girls you're contacting with and etc. I've never felt so relieved to just do my stuff without the sickening headache of thinking too much about you! Believe or not, I've been blasting songs loudly in my room through my iPod all these while and singing along to them as if nothing else matters but me. To anyone who knows me well, they'll definitely know that if I'm singing along to songs all day by myself, it just ultimately means one thing; I'm extremely happy about life just the way it is. And the life that I'm extremely contented with right now doesn't even include you in the first place!

Enough of all these bullshit, alright? I got better things to mind about rather than think about something that's really unnecessary at this point of time.

________________________________

Well, that aside, I've been make-up crazy for these past two days! I've been looking through the net about different brands of cosmetic products and I must say, I can't wait to get my hands on those Benefit products! They look pretty awesome to me with the awesome names that they came up with for each of their products and of coz, their awesome results when applied!! And they even have perfumes!! OMG OMG OMG, I'm so gonna splurge on cosmetic products once I'm done with As. I'm setting aside $200 as my budget to get a complete set of whatever that is needed in a professional make-up artists' kit! Make-up brushes, eyeliners, eyeshadows, blushes, bronzers, concealers, lipsticks and many, many moreeeeee! I'm lucky my mum allows me to splurge a lot on these products soon as long as I buy them with my own money! :D

The last time I really splurged a lot on myself was back in July/August which was only on 1 item; my iPod classic which costs me almost 400 bucks. -.- Haha Well, at least it has been put to good use, unlike my Polaroid camera which has been left in one corner collecting dusts for months! LOL.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

2011-11-04T11:01:00.002+08:00

You told too many lies before but don't ever expect me to believe you this time coz this recent lie that you put up was totally ABSURD and RETARDED that orang BODOH macam kau je boleh percaye. C'mon lah, who the fuck are you trying to kid?! I'm not a mediocre Malay girl who'll gladly take in anything that's being told to her. Aku tak seBODOH macam pompuan2 jalanan semua lah SIOL.

Those little details that you don't think I'll ever look into were exactly the clues that gave you away. Tolong eh, next time, fikir DULU sebelum bertindak k BODOH!

Dealing a liar like you has never been this EASY.

Goodbye.

2011-11-03T00:40:00.001+08:00

Don't go turning back on your words. I'm not gonna be your doormat anymore for you to wipe your feet everytime you do something dirty. Just leave me alone, will yeah? More than three times going behind my back is more than enough to convince me that you ain't worth of my time. And lastly, don't go on saying that you still love me coz apparently, those words are often used way too much from the mouth of a liar. Really, I've never had this strongest urge to get rid of someone so badly from my life, thanks to you.

Blah.

2011-11-01T03:35:00.001+08:00

SUCK IT UP MOTHERFUCKER! KBAI!

Halloween Horror Nights.

2011-10-31T01:38:00.001+08:00

I love you, darling and I'll always will. I can't wait for my As to be over so that I can get back to my job and have my turn to spend more money on youuuuu! Gosh, just buying that Manhattan Portage bag for your birthday isn't enough to repay all your love that you gave me for these past 4 months. Thank you so much for tonight's Halloween treat for lil sis and I at USS, for those movies, the makan treat at Thai Express to satisfy my craving, the $25 worth of Sticky Candy and lastly, for being the most patient man I've ever met on Earth when it comes to dealing with me! Haha. For all that, I love you, Sayang. Much, much more than you can ever know. I can't wait for the vacation in Phuket in January! :)

My Handsome & Macho Boyfriend. Heeeeee.

A Levels.

2011-10-30T15:09:00.001+08:00

Bruised & Scarred.

2011-10-29T00:43:00.001+08:00

I don't know what wrongs I've done all these while to deserve this kind of treatment. How harsh can reality possibly be when this heart gets broken? Am I that bad that I have to go through this over and over again? To the extent that I've realized where I've gone wrong and I'm willing to redeem myself? Is it fair for me to say that in general, men are just heartless and there's no way that any woman out there can do to make them realize the consequences of their actions on us women? Isn't it bad enough that one has to go through the torments and hell from a heartless man whom she used to know from her past and to go through yet another one from another heartless man this time?

Ya Allah, I know this isn't the right time to think of this, especially when my A levels exams are just 11 days away. I beg and I pray that you give me enough strength to just push these thoughts away and for once, let me just be who I used to be, the intelligent woman who used to love studying all the time and even when bullshits like this happens, she'll take it into stride and do exceptionally well in her academics. I did it once for my Os and I know I can do it again if you'll just let me be who I used to be.

Ya Allah, hambamu ini betul-betul ingin sebuah petunjuk daripada mu, be it in my dreams or when I'm fully awake. Am I destined to lead a fucked up life like what I'm going through right now or is this just a test to see how far I'll be able to stand all these till I'll just break down and not want to do this anymore? I'm tired of living. I'm tired to live a life with no purpose. I'm tired of feeling useless all the time. I'm just tired to be where I am right now. I just want to give this all up and just go back to where I was, being carefree. Is it too much to ask for or is it just how life is supposed to be?

If living like this is supposed to be how life should be as we grow up, I'd never ever want to grow up. I would rather just be living a life where time stands still for everyone, exactly where nothing can ever be found but happiness. Is that too impossible to ask for?

I need somebody.

2011-10-27T23:03:00.001+08:00

"Please, don't leave her. I know it sounds stupid and dangerous but she needs you more than anyone. If you leave her now, you would just destroy her more. Why not try talking to her about it? I'm sure she is remorseful of the things she said to you but she just cannot handle things. She cannot express that remorse and sincere apology.

She loves you but she is having trouble expressing that in a positive way. yeah, she might be a wacko as some would say but she is like that for a reason. Try to understand that reason and help her.

Please, do not leave her.

I am like her too. I know how it is when you love someone so bad and you just cannot control your emotions and just flare up at him for no logical reason. It hurts me too and i do not know how to fix it. I just want him so bad and i want him to stay with me and help me. But i cannot do anything because he already gave up on me. I just have to toughen it up more and deal with it.

Going back to your problem, just please don't leave her. Try to give her another change. Stay and help her."

I need professional help.

Goodnight.

2011-10-26T01:39:00.001+08:00

Alhamdulilah, today was somewhat productive with the mugging for my upcoming A levels exams. I did some intense GP content revision for crime & punishment which is one of my chosen topic to 'bang' on for GP paper 1. Before that, I did some questions on production for MOB which I had a lot of difficulties with. Haiz. This shows that I really need to put in a lot of extra effort if I really wanna go to NUS/NTU to get my Accountancy degree. Insyallah boleh if I believe that I can. :)

Meanwhile, boyfriend's gonna enter work late tomorrow so ade chance eh nak makan lunch together. Hehe. I'm not really sure what I want to eat though. I nak makan seafood baked rice kat BPP where we first met and had our first meal together but that Hasibsaifuddin hates the food to the core (mentang-mentang chef.) :'( Banquet, it is then. Haha. YONG TAU FOO TOM YAM! YEAH! :D

Anyway, here's something before I go off to sleep. :)

Chuck.

2011-10-25T02:34:00.001+08:00

Just watched Chuck Season 4 Episode 13. I can't believe that it actually was going to make me cry. It's the best episode that I've watched so far and I can't wait to watch it till the end of season 4. :')

Sorry.

2011-10-23T14:14:00.001+08:00

Just go away.

2011-10-22T11:19:00.001+08:00

I'm putting a stop to what we've been having for the past 4 months coz I can't see where I'm going or what I'm doing for myself in life. This may sound selfish but I'm doing this for my own good. Being with you is just not worth it. You're not worth getting all mad over again and again and it really hurts my thinking physically where I can feel like my brain's throbbing the whole time when there's actually nothing major to get stressed up with. After thinking all these through, I realized you're the main reason for all these and thus, I'm putting all these on hold until after my As. For the meantime, find another girl who'll treat you better than how I was towards you. Then you'll realize that you actually deserve the best rather than being stuck with a fucked-up girl like me. So, just go away.

MI Graduation Tea 2011

2011-10-21T14:39:00.004+08:00

Here are some pictures that I took using my iPhone during yesterday's Grad Tea. :)

Self-portrait

2011-10-19T22:35:00.001+08:00

As you can see, below is an unglamorous self-taken photo of me using the iPhone and the face looks natural coz I didn't put any make-up on except for the green contacts. You can see the eyebags underneath those pretty eyes, thanks to those days and nights of studying for As. Hehs.

Anyway, I've taken a close look at this picture for quite some time and I can't help but to admire and criticize at what God has given me. First of all, I love my eyes. Those almond-shaped eyes really have been the main feature that will ultimately stand out in most of my pictures. Well, everyone does love them too even the boyfriend to the extent that he wants our children to have them in the future. Haha!

Secondly, I love my lips! It's not entirely Angelina Jolie kind of lips coz they are kinda not proportionate for both the upper and lower lip. And their colors are absolutely what I like about them! Not too dark and not too pinkish. :)

Well, now for the 'dislike' part. I hate my nose. My ONION nose. I might consider doing a nose job once I got enough money. Heeeee.

PS: This is just something to muse myself coz I'm bored. Got to go now coz boyfriend's bringing me out for supper! :)

PSS: This would be a perfect mugshot if I'm caught breaking the law. HAHAAHAHAHA! Sial je ni pompuan

Insane

2011-10-17T21:05:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, I don't even know when I am being me and when I am not. I hate having to lose control of my conscience whenever I lose my temper. It kills me to know that booze and especially cigarettes seem to be the only avenue that I can think of to relieve myself of this pain momentarily. I hate having to hurt myself inside by hurting him time and time again. I just hate being me.

Cutesy pie. :)

2011-10-15T23:46:00.001+08:00

This little boy is too cute to resist! My current obsession, other than my own boyfriend. Kakak Hareen loves you, Fahry Asyraf! :)

Smile.

2011-10-14T17:12:00.003+08:00

Because I know I do it best when I smile. :)

Emotional turbulence.

2011-10-14T02:16:00.001+08:00

"Am I not good enough for you?", he said. I wish I could tell him that the problem lies in me and not him.

Currently, my eyes are swollen from all those crying but somehow, it did make me feel better. Perhaps I've been keeping all these emotions in for too long and by crying them out, I've finally relieved myself of this unknown and unseen burden that I've had all these while. Still, I'm grieving over the past and no matter how much it pains me to see him not being able to help me get through this phase, I can't do much but to lament over this until I've had enough. Yes, it's been 10 months but this heart is still badly bruised. I do love this man who's in my life currently but never enough to get myself over those 2 years of memories with the ex. It still pains me and I've no idea how long more this is going to last.

10 months.

2011-10-13T16:05:00.001+08:00

It's amazing how you could still bring tears to my eyes even after 10 whole months of not knowing you. You won't ever know how much you've hurt me up till now. And you'll never know. Not at all.

Number 4.

2011-10-13T07:37:00.001+08:00

Happy 4th monthsary, Baby! I'm in the bus going to school now with a smile plastered across my face coz we've gone this far. :) I can't really say much coz I'm running out of time since I'm reaching school soon but nevertheless, thank you for loving and never giving up on me even when I've been going through emotional turmoil time and time again. Your fattybambam girlfriend can't promise how far we'll go down the road but insyallah, we'll make it last as long if we want to. Can't wait for Sunday for my Sup Lidah Kambing at Adam Food centre! Wee! :D

Made with love. :)

2011-10-11T11:35:00.001+08:00

I'm a happy girl today coz my mum made me some fried rice for me to bring to school and I still got Boyf's homemade apple crumble which I've yet to eat. So yeah, I'll be eating all these food in school made by the people I love! And oh yeah, read this note below which my lil sister posted on top of my packed fried rice this morning! SO CUTE!

I feel blessed and contented. Alhamdulilah. :)

Emotional turmoil.

2011-10-10T20:53:00.001+08:00

I've got this on my iPhone screen and it just makes me feel better whenever I see it.

2am.

2011-10-03T08:37:00.001+08:00

I wake up each day with a smile and greet it with a laugh. The world is now a treasure to me because of you. Every time I think of something sad, I replace the thought with you, my mind instantly changes and my heart is filled with gladness. Every breath I take is meant for you. I live this life surrounded in joy and I bathe in the promise of your love. My soul belongs to you. Each time I see something beautiful, I want to take it and bring it to you. My life has so many meanings now all because of you! I'll always love you no matter what happens 'cos you are my girlfriend and you mean a lot to me. I promise I will change myself to become a better boyfriend. I promise 'cos I don't want to hurt you anymore!

I received this long message at around 2am while I was sleeping and when he should be sleeping too. I had to change some bits of this message or else, it wouldn't make sense to anyone but me. Haha! Nevertheless, I know this really came from the bottom of his heart and I truly appreciate him for that. Thank you, Hasibsaifuddin. :)

Help.

2011-10-02T01:44:00.001+08:00

I just need these..

to get rid of all the stress.

Oh wait, no. I did just that YESTERDAY and I'm still feeling like crap. FML.

Fuck me.

Giving up seems like the best option right now.

I wish I wasn't born being me.

I want to go back in time and be a kid once again.

I wanna die.

Nothing and no one can ever make me feel better.

I feel like having Starbucks tomorrow.

Okay I shall sleep.

Oh, and I need someone new to have interesting and not mundane conversations with me. Do email me at valeria.reen@hotmail.com for my contact number if you can be of any help.

Yes, I'm that desperate right now.

Thank you and may God bless you.

Favorite Boy! :)

2011-10-01T14:43:00.001+08:00

Dear Baby Fahry, seeing new pictures of you everyday never fails to put a smile across my face. You're going to be 3 months soon and you're just getting cuter and cuter every single day! I'm sure your Mummy and Daddy are proud of you coz you turn out to be so gorgeous! Lastly, remember this, Kakak Hareen will always love and dote on you, my little baby cousin! :)

PS: He won't understand whatever that's being said but I hope I can show him this post when he's all grown up!

I love you my handsome little cousin! :)

TGIF.

2011-09-30T21:15:00.001+08:00

This week, I'm spending my TGIF at home, waiting for the boyfriend to come over after he finishes work. However, I'm about to doze off pretty soon, thanks to me staying up so late yesterday to finish up on some school work. I'm so exhausted even though I only went to school twice this week. I can't really imagine how I'm gonna feel in weeks to come as A levels get closer.

Zzzz.

Anyway, I miss this handsome baby boy! Kakak Hareen cannot wait to see you next week, Baby Fahry! :)

Macam nak cubit je si dekni!! Eeeeh geram!

Fuck this shit.

2011-09-29T22:59:00.001+08:00

I ain't gonna give a fuck anymore. I'm just mugging my ass off down here for the next 40 days for my As. I won't give a fuck really about what's REALLY going on down there but if it's something that I won't and don't like, I would have to deal with that after I'm done with my exams. Just you wait and see.

Home-bound.

2011-09-28T14:46:00.001+08:00

I've been sick for a week now. High fever, cough and flu all came in one shot but I'm feeling almost better now! I'll finally be back to school tomorrow! I miss school. Really. Just not being in school is making me this bored at home! Huhuhehehaha.

(And I look this good even when I'm not feeling well. Ooohlala. Hasibsaifuddin, you better feel lucky!)

Nowhere.

2011-09-27T20:26:00.001+08:00

Everything's kinda going haywire.

So what can I say?

2011-09-25T22:30:00.004+08:00

He promised, he lied and now he's out of my life.

Fuck this shit. I ain't crying. I shall now turn gay. Goodbye.

His Mistakes

2011-09-25T03:03:00.001+08:00

"He left a scar across your heart. I understand, girl. Don't let his wrongs tear us apart cause girl, I'm your man..

Just because he did, you swear I'm cheating. You think I just don't care..Why must I do time for another man's crime.. Girl, you know that ain't fair."
- Usher, His Mistakes

I'll always have to look back at this song to remind myself that I shouldn't keep assuming him for doing things that he's not wrong for. The mistakes of the ex don't really have to be something that he has to pay for everytime I feel something's not right. I can't keep doing this to him but the scars are still visible even though it has been almost 9 months and being someone who had her heart bruised pretty badly (I won't pretend that it didn't hurt at all), I can't help but to always be on my guard when I see even the slightest sign of what I thought would be considered as cheating.

I must admit, I ain't a saint when this current relationship first started out. I contacted other guys and even went out with a couple of them behind his back, declaring that I was single when I wasn't. Frankly, I didn't feel an ounce of guilt when I did all these. Why? I saw him to be the same like those other guys out there, cheating bastards and using girls as and when they like it.

However, what I thought really came true enough after the 2nd month. I was prepared to let go coz I couldn't really see myself going through this shit again. But me being a forgiving person, I gave him a final chance to redeem himself and to make it fair, I came clean with what I've been doing behind his back all along. Well, what he did wasn't as bad as what I did. He didn't go as far as going out with the girls, just like how I had the guts to go out with these other guys (and more which I shall not mention here) and I honestly told him that I didn't feel guilty at all.

Of course, he was shocked and actually cried when he heard all that. You know, people always say that when a guy cries, it means that the girl he's crying for means a lot to him. But frankly, I didn't see it that way coz I've seen the ex cried many times before and I see that as false pretense and some might say, bullshit. So what if a guy cries in front of the girl? Am I supposed to have some pity and cry along with him? Hell no. Been there, done that and obviously, they turn out to be just crocodile tears.

All these while, I really hated having to treat this current relationship with less care but with extreme caution, thanks to the past experience with the fucking ex but I really couldn't help it.

But now, after more than 3 months, I can really see that things are really going well (except for my frequent outbursts which he really has a weird but effective way of handling by laughing them off). I've been lecturing him time and time again about what I want him to be and how he should be treating me but recently, I've come to realize that I've been wanting him to do and be what the ex used to be and I guess this isn't fair to him. Every guy is different and reacts differently in every relationship and I've been forcing him all these while to fit into those shoes that I thought to be ideal for him to be.

I've decided that I've got to let the reins free and let nature takes its course. No more being demanding and controlling. Have more trust towards him rather than having to keep a close watch on him everytime. If I really want us to really work out, then I've got to take these risks even though there's a probability of being hurt all over again.

Nevertheless, it's him that I plan to see myself standing next to in the future and even though I may not have the ability to control life to be what I want it to be, I'm prepared to give my all for this to work out. :)

Specially for Syahirah Sahnan with love. :)

2011-09-24T01:28:00.002+08:00

Okay y'all. The following pictures are of my baby cousin who is only 2 months old and his name is Muhd Fahry Asyraf! Feel free to be awed by this cutesy! :D

PS: I'm so proud to be his older cousin. Someone new to dote on! Yeah!

Thoughts.

2011-09-22T10:32:00.003+08:00

I miss you. I don't know how badly but I really miss you. And it's likely that you don't feel the same as I do.

"I'd go back to December all the time."

However, I'm fine with wherever I'm at right now. Hasibsaifuddin loves me and he wouldn't ever let go of me no matter how many times I've asked for a break-up. (I should ask him again how many times I've asked for a break-up coz the last time I asked, I think there were six or seven attempts.)

Ya Allah, let this be the final time that I'll ever have to get into a relationship again. I'm tired of having to go through break-ups or to even go through the 'getting to know' process.

If this is meant to be, let it meant to be. I can see a bright future ahead of us with him having an engineering degree in NUS and having passion for cooking while me looking forward to doing accountancy in NTU and being an accountant with a starting pay of $3000. Hehe. Both of us plan to open up our own restaurant one day with him leading the cooking crew and being the head chef while I'll be managing the entire management of the business with my knowledge in business management and accounts. Doesn't that sound great to begin with? :)

Insya'allah, when I'm done with my As and manage to get into NTU's NBS, the journey to our goal will go smoothly. For now, I'm just left with 48 days to the start of my As and I'm confident that I'll do just fine if I really put my heart and soul into it. :)

Anyway, this is out of random but I keep having this song in my head ever since we watched the Monster Rock show at USS last Saturday. They played The Used's The Bird And The Worm which I managed to find out through my iPhone's Soundhound. I don't know what it's about but having to hear the lead singer screaming, "He crawls like worm from the bird!" makes the guy sound pathetic and harmless. Just the kind of song that I would like to sing to when I feel that I have the upper hand in the relationship. Then again, I do have the upper hand and there's no way that I'm giving this current boyfriend the complete control of our relationship. :D

Awesooooooome!

2011-09-16T20:47:00.001+08:00

Boyfriend called just to say, "We're so gonna have fun tomorrow!" and had to end the call coz he got to go back to work! LOL. Well, I'm excited too! Tomorrow's gonna be our day, just the two of us! The whole day at USS and a very awesome movie "Johnny English" to end the night!!

I'm so EXCITED like FUCCCCCCCCK! =D